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Live building status
Everything is fine. Here is the proof.
What tenants say
Reviews we found, sort of
"The flat was exactly as described, if you read the description as a work of fiction."
Marta V., 16 May 2026"Support replied in four minutes. With a menu. Then another menu."
Dev K., 7 Feb 2026"I met my neighbours quickly. There were a lot of them, and they had six legs."
Ingrid S., 15 May 2026"My husband had a heart attack climbing the 5 stories to our apartment, as the lift never worked."
Carol B., 25 Jan 2026"Loved paying triple market rate just to watch customer support auto-reply while my bathroom actively flooded. The artisanal ceiling mold was a nice bonus."
Tomás R., 12 Jun 2026"The AC died in peak July heat, but at least the sparking wall outlets provided some festive indoor lighting. Still waiting on that deposit from two months ago."
Priya N., 22 Mar 2026"FUkio’s definition of 'curated luxury' appears to be bioluminescent mold and a thriving indoor cockroach sanctuary. The maintenance team remains heroically untraceable."
Lukas H., 3 Jul 2026"Paying a premium for 'designer living' hits different when the main design element is active electrical fire. Customer support responded in record time with a stock apology and zero solutions."
Sofia M., 7 May 2026"The indoor swimming pool in my living room wasn't on the floor plan, but the ceiling leak made it happen. Still waiting for maintenance to discover what a wrench is."
Jordan T., 5 Jul 2026"Nothing says luxury like sharing a kitchen with a thriving roach metropolis while management debates if hot water is a basic human right. Getting that deposit back will require a court order."
Amara O., 14 Jun 2026"The minimalist decor really highlights the toxic mold blossoming in the bedroom corner. At least the automated email bot checked in to ask how my stay was going."
Elise D., 2 Feb 2026"It takes real talent to charge five-star prices for an apartment that sounds and smells like a subterranean boiler room. The ghosting from support after checkout was truly seamless."
Marco F., 28 Oct 2026"They promised an 'upscale design oasis,' but swapped it for a windowless basement unit two hours before check-in due to a 'pipe emergency.' Then came the mystery €400 'linen curation fee' that management insists I signed up for in my sleep."
Hannah W., 13 Feb 2026"The sales rep swore on their life the place was quiet and fully renovated, which was a brilliant lie considering the jackhammers next door and the collapsing ceiling. Finding three undisclosed charges on my card after reporting it was the real masterpiece."
Rafael C., 6 Oct 2026"They guaranteed a full refund after handing me keys to an uncleaned apartment occupied by someone else, then claimed they never said that and charged me a 'cancellation processing fee.' The level of direct-to-your-face lying is honestly impressive."
Nadia K., 16 May 2026"Upgraded us to a 'premium suite' that turned out to be a smaller, damp studio with no hot water, asserting with a straight face that it was an architectural promotion. Then a line item called 'maintenance surcharge' hit my bank account without explanation."
Oliver P., 8 Jul 2026"Support insisted the air conditioning was brand new, right up until the technician admitted it had been broken since 2022. They celebrated resolving my complaint by quietly auto-billing my card for a 'convenience deposit.'"
Lucía G., 28 Feb 2026Flats with character
Photos were taken on the best day the building ever had. Amenity status is accurate as of the listing date, which was a while ago.
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Book in four easy steps
Press the button and watch the process. It is the same process every time.
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We are here for you, on WhatsApp
Our assistant Señorita Rita handles 100% of enquiries. Señorita Rita is a menu.
Transparent pricing, in the sense that you can see through it
The price you see is the price you see. It is not the price you pay.
Your estimate
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Excludes taxes, tourist tax, and fees we have not invented yet. Your total at checkout may be higher than this total.
Track your refund
Refunds are processed in 5 to 7 business days. Business days are defined by us.
Refund progress
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Where your money is
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Careers
Join a team that never answers the phone
We are hiring people who see a flooded flat and think "water feature". No experience required. Thinking is actively discouraged.
Barcelona, or whereverCommission only
Sales Representative
€0 base + 2% of every fee you invent
Turn a windowless basement into a "cosy urban retreat" before the client finds the light switch. Close the deal before they close the door, which does not lock.
Requirements
- Proven stupidity, ideally certified
- Poor analytical skills: must not notice that the photos are from a different building
- Weak critical thinking; you should believe our listings too
- Master’s degree in lying, or equivalent life experience
- Ability to say "fully renovated" without blinking or checking
Nice to have
- Fluency in vague
- Selective hearing for the words "refund" and "mould"
- Owns a fake smile, preferably two
Remote, unreachableFull time, never online
Customer Service Manager
€1,900 / month, paid when we remember
Lead a team of one chatbot. Make sure every complaint is acknowledged, logged, and then lost. Escalations go to you, and from you to nowhere.
Requirements
- Advanced obfuscation: turn a simple yes into a 14-step process
- Ability to apologise sincerely without fixing anything
- Very poor problem-solving, with a track record of making things worse
- Short memory: forget each tenant the moment the ticket closes
- Comfortable with menus, especially ones that lead back to the same menu
Nice to have
- Experience as a voicemail greeting
- Allergic to the phrase "I understand"
- Can type "we are looking into it" at 120 wpm
Head office, the cupboardReports to: unclear
Assistant to the Regional Manager
€24,000 / year, minus a desk fee
Support the Regional Manager in all things, including agreeing loudly. Not to be confused with Assistant Regional Manager, which is a different job we have also not filled.
Requirements
- Unshakeable confidence in decisions you do not understand
- Poor critical thinking, especially about your manager’s ideas
- Strong lying skills, with an emphasis on lying to yourself
- Ability to file paperwork in the bin, alphabetically
- No questions. Ever.
Nice to have
- Owns a lanyard
- Has called a beet farm "a great investment"
- Laughs at jokes before they are finished
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